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| DRINKING QUOTES Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut." - Ernest Hemingway "The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind." - Humphrey Bogart "He was a wise man who invented beer." - Plato “A woman drove me to drink, and I never even had the courtesy to thank her.” - W.C. Fields "Actually, it only takes me one drink to get drunk. The trouble is I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or fourteenth." - George Burns "I distrust camels, and anyone else who can go a week without a drink." - Joe E Lewis "I got so wasted one night I waited for the Stop sign to change, and it did." - Steve Krabitz "I feel sorry for people who don't drink. They wake up in the morning and that's the best they're going to feel all day." - Frank Sinatra "The difference between a drunk and an alcoholic is that a drunk doesn't have to attend all those meetings." - Arthur Lewis "I know I'm drinking myself to a slow death, but then I'm in no hurry." - Robert Benchley "Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy." - Benjamin Franklin "When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading." - Henny Youngman "Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza." - Dave Barry “There are better things in life than alcohol, but alcohol makes up for not having them.” - Terry Pratchett “Yes, madam, I am drunk. But in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly.” - Winston Churchill “Alcoholism is the only disease that you can get yelled at for having.” - Mitch Hedberg “Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me.” - Winston Churchill “Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time.” - Catherine Zandonella “People who drink light ‘beer’ don't like the taste of beer; they just like to pee a lot.” - Capital Brewery, Middleton, WI “I would kill everyone in this room for a drop of sweet beer.” - Homer Simpson “An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with fools.” - Ernest Hemingway “Alcohol: The cause of and the solution to all of life's problems.” - Homer Simpson “Prohibition makes you want to cry into your beer and denies you the beer to cry into.” - Don Marquis “Drinking beer doesn't make you fat, It makes you lean....Against bars, tables, chairs, and poles.” - Anonymous “I fear the man who drinks water and so remembers this morning what the rest of us said last night.” - Greek Proverb “Sometimes when I reflect on all the beer I drink, I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. I think, ‘It is better to drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver." - Jack Handy “When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!” - George Bernard Shaw "Well ya see, Norm, it's like this. A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine! That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers." - Cliff Clavin, Cheers “You’re not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.” - Dean Martin “May your glass be ever full. May the roof over your head be always strong. And may you be in heaven half an hour before the devil knows you're dead.” - Old Irish Toast “Work is the curse of the drinking class.” - Oscar Wilde "It was as natural as eating and, to me, as necessary. I would not have thought of eating a meal without drinking a beer." - Ernest Hemingway "The church is near, but the road is icy. The bar is far away, but I will walk carefully." - Russian proverb “Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world.” - Kaiser Welhelm “When I heated my home with oil, I used an average of 800 gallons a year. I have found that I can keep comfortably warm for an entire winter with slightly over half that quantity of beer.” - Dave Barry “Modern life is often a mechanical oppression and liquor is the only mechanical relief.” - Ernest Hemingway “I like beer. On occasion I will even drink beer to celebrate a major event such as the fall of communism or the fact that the refrigerator is still working.“ - Dave Barry "Keep your libraries, your penal institutions, your insane asylums... give me beer. You think man needs rule, he needs beer. The world does not need morals, it needs beer... The souls of men have been fed with indigestibles, but the soul could make use of beer." - Henry Miller “All right, brain, I don't like you and you don't like me - so let's just do this and I'll get back to killing you with beer.” - Homer Simpson “I drink to make other people interesting.” - George Jean Nathan “Drinking is a way of ending the day.” - Ernest Hemingway “There can't be good living where there is not good drinking.” - Ben Franklin “Do not allow children to mix drinks. It is unseemly and they use too much vermouth.” - Steve Allen “The water was not fit to drink. To make it palatable, we had to add whiskey. By diligent effort, I learned to like it.” - Winston Churchill “My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that's not so bad; but New York City?” - Henny Youngman “Be careful to trust a person who does not like wine.” - Karl Marx “Beer makes you feel the way you ought to feel without beer.” - Henry Lawson “Alcohol is my way of life, and I aim to keep it.” - Homer Simpson “Sometimes too much to drink is barely enough.” - Mark Twain “I went on a diet, swore off drinking and heavy eating, and in fourteen days I lost two weeks.” - Joe E. Lewis “I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.” - Rodney Dangerfield "Many battles have been fought and won by soldiers nourished on beer." - Frederick the Great “Draft beer, not people.” - Bob Dylan “Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.” - W.C. Fields “They speak of my drinking, but never think of my thirst.” - Scottish Proverb "Everybody has to believe in something. I believe I'll have another drink." - W.C. Fields |